I've never given much weight to the passing of my birthday... a day like any other day. I don't feel any different than the way I did the day before or from the way I expect I will the days after. It's one more page on the calendar which serves only as a marker of what I have or haven't gotten done yet.
I'm not comfortable being the center of attention so a big birthday party with lot's of people would never be my cup of tea so I feel especially blessed that my husband and kids "get it" and have never subjected me that big horrifying surprise party for my birthday. Of course, I really wasn't at risk of that growing up either since my birthday is so close to Christmas. I was never disappointed to have the recognition of my birth overshadowed by the celebration of Jesus’ birth.
I've never had any hang-ups about my age. I've had a hard life, worked for everything I have and have proudly earned every wrinkle and grey hair. None of which would I trade back for the trials that put them there. God has either had purpose or given purpose to each hard-knock and I am thankful for they have made me who I am.
As I sit here at the end of this day, my 41st birthday, as the clock ticks ever closer to tomorrow, I’d like to click the “Pause” button. Not because I want to roll the clock back and stay 40, not because the birthday was so spectacular I want to preserve it forever, but because tomorrow morning I will go out to breakfast with my mother and tell her that her youngest daughter has cancer. Then I will sit the boys down and tell them their mother has cancer.
I'm good at processing this kind of thing for myself, my course is set, my faith is strong – I’ve been dealing with “logistics” for 4 days…. But I have no idea how to put it into words, the right words, the comforting, confident words that reflect my peace and certainty that all will be fine – as it should be – in God’s way, in God’s timing. Not everyone sees it that way so easily.
Praying for the Holy Spirit to fill me with the right words – pray with me, would you?
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3 comments:
we prayed specifically for you, your mom, e & the boys today.
Thank you so much, Tracey... for your prayers and our chat Thursday. All the conversations went well and exactly as expected - I do know my family oh so well. We'll tell the extended clan after Christmas.
You guys have my prayers. It's been 5 years and a few months that we found about my mother's cancer.
If there's anything I can do, feel free to let me know.
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