Thursday, March 10, 2011

You’re Going To Touch Me Where?

Okay, lesson learned. I’ll not be wearing my hair up to travel by air ever again. Flying out of Dulles to Atlanta, standing in line for security, I get pulled for the new-fangled full-body scan. No big deal. Stand sideways between two 7-foot x-ray panels, put your hands over your head and hold your breath for 10 seconds. Then, step out and wait for screening personnel in a remote location to give the all-clear so you can put your shoes, belt, watch, jacket and other assorted apparel back on.

BUT WAIT! No “all-clear” for me. The EZ Hair Comb ® that’s holding my hair into a twist is apparently a terrorist threat. I had to wait while someone put on gloves to come inspect my hair to ensure I was not hiding any weapons in there. “Excuse me, Ma’am, but is that a gun in your bun?”

This did not bother me. Frankly, I wondered as I put my hair up this morning if it would it would set off the metal detectors … and I still didn’t know that because I went straight to the full body scan.

Lucky for me, on the way back from Atlanta this evening, my concerns were affirmed – YES the EZ Hair Comb ® does set off the airport security metal detectors! (Oh, did I mention the part where my boss is standing on the other side waiting for me to come out and we had been trying to rush through the airport to see if we could get on an earlier flight since our meeting ended early.) So I’m thinking they are going to just wave one of those wands over my head to confirm that’s where the beeping is coming from and let me move on. (Oh please don’t make me take the combs out. I’ll never get them back in without a mirror.)

Again, lucky me. I won the full body security molestation – I mean, pat-down. Now, as soon as I fail the metal detector, the lock me in a clear “stand-by” box and call for a female security officer. And she did ask me if I wanted to do it right there or if I wanted to go to a private area. I look over at my boss who is just shaking her head and looking at her watch and say, “let’s just do it.” I mean seriously – there may be two thousand people watching this woman touch EVERY part of my body, but I don’t know any of them and I’m never going to see them again – what the heck. By the way, did you know they put their hands in and under your shirt and into the waistband of your pants and feel between your toes? My mammogram was less invasive. Then they take the gloves they were wearing when they fondled you and run them through a scanner to ensure they didn’t pick up any toxins or explosives you were trying to sneak on the plane sprinkled across your clothing.

Remarkably, the earlier flight that my boss and I were trying to catch was delayed so we just made it. All of that excitement and I still got home earlier than I expected. God is good – he’s got a serious sense of humor, but He’s good!


tracey said...

I think they at least owe you dinner or a nice piece of jewelry. Yikes. Most dates aren't that handsy.

ML Yost said...

I know, right? And the whole time they're touching you, they have to narrate the touching... "I am now going to touch your brests with the back of my hand, I am now going to put my hands inside your waistband." I wonder if, when they're hiring these security personnel, they check the resumes for previous employment as a phone sex operator.