Faster than the Speed of Growing Up

Nothing will point out how fast time is flying than the annual influx of photo Christmas cards from family and friends. I confess that I do love photo Christmas cards and tend to keep them up on the fridge year round. This makes it even more obvious how quickly everyone’s kids are growing up when I take down last year’s cards to put up this year’s cards.

As a young parent, I remember it feeling like my baby went from nursing to rice cereal and from crawling to cruising at the speed of light. But nothing made my baby grow up faster in the shortest period of time than bringing home my second baby. When I left for the hospital to deliver his brother, he was my baby. When I came home after spending 3 days away with my new 5 ½ pounder, my 21-month-old was a GIANT and he just kept getting bigger and bigger, faster and faster each year after that.

A decade and a half has passed since my baby started “growing up” at an exponentially rapid pace and I’ll tell you (parents of young ones) you think time’s flying now? Just wait until they’re teenagers! From middle school to driving was a blink of an eye and it really gives you perspective on the insignificance of this life against the magnitude of eternity.

A few months ago, Pastor Christian Gaffney reflected on this very phenomenon of my oldest son’s growing up in a three-part series of blog posts called “Tears of Maturity.” You see, Pastor Christian has seen quite a bit of Derek’s “growing up” too as he’s been with him in youth group for the past four and a half years. But Pastor Christian is more than just Derek’s youth group preacher, he’s been a mentor (formally and informally) and brother in Christ, a trusted adviser, a fierce debate opponent and most of all, a model of what Derek would like to be someday: a youth Pastor.

In Pastor Christian’s blog series, he talks about three of the times that he witnessed Derek cry. As Derek matured, those tears were shed for very different reasons that revealed his personal and spiritual growth. The series was funny, disturbing (for mom) and moving – if you haven’t read them, I encourage you to check them out.

One of the things that revealed Derek’s greatest maturity to me was when Pastor Christian announced he would be leaving Virginia to launch a church-plant in Florida called Exponential Church. For many years (perhaps before Christian realized it himself) I knew that God had something bigger planned for Christian than leading our youth group. When the Dowdy family left Virginia to plant a church in Canada, I began planting seeds with Derek about Christian not always being his youth pastor at Fair Oaks Church. This conversation was always met with great resistance if not obstinance. No one could be our youth pastor but Christian, he’d never leave. When Derek first felt the call to be a youth pastor himself, it almost depressed him because he could imagine being a youth pastor anywhere but Fair Oaks Church and Fair Oaks already had a youth pastor who would never leave.      

Always planting seeds, I would make suggestions like… what if Pastor Christian were to be called to lead a church of his own, that could enable someone like Derek (if he were old enough at the time) to apply for that job OR if Pastor Christian were a Senior Pastor of his own church, perhaps Christian would have a job for him as his youth pastor. All of these notions were firmly rejected because Derek just could not bear the idea Christian would not always be the youth pastor at Fair Oaks Church.

Then, this Spring, when the church plant in Florida was announced, I was very concerned about how Derek would react. Much to my utter shock, he responded with maturity, support and enthusiasm for God’s new calling for Christian. I must say I was floored and I saw my boy through new eyes that day - saw him for the man of God with spiritual maturity that he was becoming right before my eyes.

I’ll blink again and he’ll be in college, getting married, being ordained, having children, serving the Lord through ministry, celebrating his 25^th year as a pastor and wondering how time could have flown by so fast and still marveling at how this little boy of mine could have become this wise gray-haired grown-up in what seemed like the speed of light – the speed of growing up.

Mentoring and Modeling a Money Mentality

We’ve always talked openly with our kids about money – specifically about how to be Biblically responsible with money. From earning it and spending it to tithing it and saving it, we have not just told our kids what they need to do but we have made sure we have modeled that behavior in everything we do.

Earning it – our kids witnessed their dad walk away from a job (with nothing else in the pipeline) because the employer’s practices violated the law and he refused to smile and go along with it. A paycheck is never more important that your integrity. That decision was followed by a 2 ½ year stint of unemployment where several opportunities were passed on because the companies had questionable histories or practices and the message was reinforced with the kids that money doesn’t trump your morals. We prayed as a family for God’s wisdom, direction and protection and he had out back on all accounts. The kids saw this.

Spending it – Much like the stock market fluctuations, our “disposal” income has had its ups and downs over the years. Especially down when we were down to one income, but fortunately, we had already established responsible spending habits that helped the kids adjust quickly when we didn’t have ability to buy like we used to. Just because you can spend it, doesn’t mean you should spend it. This is a mantra the kids heard in good times and in bad from us. Especially when the 7-year-old neighbor kid (whose parents’ income was a fraction of ours) got the newest $700 gaming system for Christmas and our kids are opening clothes we bought at the thrift store or consignment shop and $20 toys from Wal-Mart. Our kids saw their parents do without things we really wanted, and could afford, but knew that indulging our worldly desires would not be honoring God with our money so they learned this lesson by example, not just enforcement.

Saving it – I have always been a saver, but it was important for my kids to not just practice it but see the importance as well. In first grade the kids started earning an allowance they were taught to put aside 10% for Tithing, 10% for Savings and 10% for taxes. Proverbs 21:20 says “The wise man saves for the future but the foolish man spends whatever he gets” so I wanted the kids to have a concept of what “saving for the future” meant. We would set savings goals that had purpose. For the kids, saving might be for a new video game or toy that they wanted; for mom and dad, saving might be for retirement, a down payment on a house… or a 2 ½ year gap in employment during the country’s biggest recession since the 1930’s. But saving money doesn’t just protect you on rainy days, but also teaches something most of our current generation has never been required to learn – delayed gratification.

Tithing it – If you’ve read much of my blog, you know that tithing is a passionate topic for me and it’s a passion that we’ve passed on to the kids. Whether it’s allowance, found money on the street or their first real jobs this summer, the first thing my kids do is calculate the 10% that goes to the church. But true giving is more than just giving 10% - Deuteronomy 16:17 says “Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the LORD your God which He has given you.” So if God has blessed you with more, you should be giving more.  It does not equally mean, however, if you have less, you should be giving less. Even when my family was facing financialhardship, we continued to faithfully tithe on what we did have and God provided for us in ways we could not imagine possible. This example taught our kids more than we could have ever imagined without having to preach a word about it.

This brings me to my youngest son. This summer, he had his first real job and, although it was just minimum wage, it was a lot more than his allowance. Taxes took care of themselves, but with each paycheck, he would calculate his tithe (and always generously round up) and then put the majority of his check (like 80% of the net) in his saving account. He didn’t need it for anything specific, so he was going to save it. (Good boy!) It feels great, as a parent, to know that the lessons you preach and the life you model is being absorbed, better yet, reflected in your child’s choices, but that’s not even the best part…

It wasn’t long before my son decided he wanted to use this savings to support Exponential Church, the church plant in Port St. Lucy led by Pastor Christian Gaffney (I know how he felt, I wanted to give to Expo Church as soon as I heard about it too) but, to paraphrase Pastor Christian, since Fair Oaks Church is not going to have a “special fund” for Expo Church, the best way to support the church plant, it to support Fair Oaks Church.

In these last few weeks of the year Fair Oaks Church has been making a plea to members for a year-end gift as the church is more than $100k short in their annual budget. This shortfall is a real burden on church staff and it has placed a special burden on my son’s heart so he reminded me of his savings. He asked to keep just a minimum amount in there to keep the account open and to give the rest to Fair Oaks Church to help them meet budget. Wow! I can’t even put into words how it makes me feel that this kid (who only opened two boxes from his parents on Christmas Day) wants to give his life saving to the church.

So, if my son were writing here, I think he’d want to ask, has his burden has become your burden? No matter what you history with earning or spending or saving or tithing, there’s nothing stopping you from taking this moment, right now, to make a decision for a year-end gift.  Maybe for you, it’s a small amount. Maybe you’re capable of giving a large amount. Either way, by supporting this church, you are supporting the cause of Christ and the work of the Kingdom of God.

Click here to make a one-time year-end gift to Fair Oaks Church.

Exponentially ENFP

Earlier this week I had the honor and pleasure of conducting a special MBTI workshop for the Exponential Church team. Their dynamic leader and Senior Pastor-to-be, Christian Gaffney and his wife Stephanie went through my MBTI workshop at Fair Oaks Church back in August and thought it would be a great tool for this newly forming church planting team to have as they get to learn each other’s communication and work styles.

MBTI and personality “Type” awareness can be of great value in understanding team dynamics, why we and others behave a certain way, give us a greater appreciation for each other’s differences and helps us leverage those differences as an advantage rather than causing friction when we don’t understand them.

It’s always fun for me to work with intact teams and to do a “group” MBTI analysis based on what this team’s function is. The theory behind group-typing is that when an intact work group are working together on something, they tend to take on the characteristics of their group type, despite what their individual types are – they adapt to the group dynamic and culture and tend to gain energy, collect information, make decisions and interact with the world (when acting as a group) in a way that reflects the group type rather than their own.

Determining the group type is rather simple. It’s just a matter of adding up the number of Es or Is, Ss or Ns, etc. and calculating which preferences have higher representation. It’s always fascinating to me when I have a group that, when all is added up, they end up with a group type that not one individual in that group actually has that type, but yet when they are together, they take on those characteristics.

In 2008, I did a group MBTI for a Board of Directors for a national association and, although not one of the individuals has this particular combination of preferences, the group type was an ENTJ. Now, for Board of Directors, you couldn’t have asked for or manufactured a better group type. ENTJs are known as “Life’s Natural Leaders.” And since the Board had been through a lot of transition recently and many of the members were new, it was very empowering and comforting for them to feel like they has a leg up on the work that was ahead of them top lead the organization through change.

It doesn’t always work out that way. I’ve had plenty of groups whose group-type was counter-intuitive to the kind of work they do in that team. That does not mean they won’t be successful, it simply means that have to approach success differently and often be more deliberate and intentional about things that, for another group-type, might have come naturally. Sometimes that can be better – the stretch factor: doing things outside your preference areas that cause you to grow muscles in areas that may have otherwise been neglected. There is as much risk in having a “perfect” group type for the work at hand - when everyone is too easily in their comfort-zone, some muscles never get the opportunity to stretch and begin to atrophy… right up to that moment when you need them most and then boy-oh-boy do they hurt the next day.

As I began to do the group type for the Exponential Church team, it was very exciting to identify the group as an ENFP (even though only one individual was an ENFP). Why so exciting? If I were to pick any of the sixteen types to lead the great undertaking of a church plant, I would have chosen the ENFP. Why? ENFPs are energetic, dynamic visionaries that are charismatic magnets of people seeking a direction. They are catalysts for change and inspire others to follow them.

David Keirsey, author of Please Understand Me and father of the personality Temperament theory described the ENFP this way:

You are a warm, inspirational, enthusiastic idealist with diverse interests. You tend to be inventive, innovative, ingenious and imaginative as you turn your creative attention to facilitating people. You are a truth-seeker, authentic, and self-disclosing. You are a collector of people focusing on leading, supporting and encouraging their personal growth.  

Sandra Krebs Hirsh, author of Looking at Type and Spirituality described them like this:

ENFPs tend to be enthusiastic, inspiring and charismatic initiators of change who value exploring future possibilities for people’s growth and development. Resourceful, energetic and perceptive, ENFPs often anticipate what people will want in the future. They enjoy variety, newness and flexibility – the spark that ignites the fire” type. Just reading that, couldn’t you see yourself following that group?

Personally, I work for an ENFP CEO so I know firsthand the great inspirational leadership potential that lies within the ENFP when they are at their best. When I think about how that vision and enthusiasm will be serving the cause of Christ, reaching out to the lost and leading people to salvation, well it’s like being in the front car of the roller coaster at the top of the first hill. As you come to the top, all you see is sky, no tracks ahead of you for a moment until the car starts to tilt down but you don’t roll screaming down yet- not yet. In the first car there’s this delay – a hang-time where you stare at the track below as the weight of the cars behind you keep you from plummeting down just yet. Then you feel it – enough of the weight has shifted and the speed is about to hit you like a cyclone. FREEZE THERE - that moment. Your heart is beating, there’s a lump in your throat and you can hardly contain the scream that you know is coming when the purpose of this journey is actually realized when the cars will go screaming down the track. That’s what ENFP leadership feels like.

Spend just a half an hour with the 8 amazing people that are a part of Exponential Church planting team (Christian Gaffney, Stephanie Gaffney, Mike Zizolfo, Brenda Zizolfo, Lucas Johnson, Amber Johnson, Rob Martin and Kat Martin) when they are together and you’ll feel it. That kind of enthusiasm is contagious and the people in Port St. Lucy will want to be a part of it… but not just because of their ENFP style, but these people have an amazing heart for God and have laid down their own purposes for His. They follow with surrender and conviction and there is no doubt that God will use them for His Glory. I look forward to seeing their amazing impact on the kingdom of God in the months and years to come.

It’s also worth noting that Fair Oaks Church’s first church plant in Toronto Canada last year was also lead by an ENFP, Senior Pastor Roy Dowdy. As an INTJ myself, I see an interesting research study ahead about the connection between ENFPs and church planting.