The “NOT” New Year’s List 2012

On New Year’s Eve, 2009 I posted a story about our long-time family friends Mary Jane and Terry Martin who had a New Year’s tradition of  writing out their individual predictions for what they thought the next year would hold for each of them, seal them up and save them for exchanging and reading until the following New Year’s Eve to see how close they had come … and then start all over again for the next year’s predictions.

When I wrote about that in 2009, it was more of reflection for me of what I would not have ever predicted would happen in the prior 12 months. As I look back at this past year, it’s amazing to me the things that would NEVER have ended up on my prediction list for 2012 (had I actually sat down a wrote out a list on December 31, 2011). I would NOT have predicted… … that at 43 years old my family would grow by one more son as our family brought home beautiful bouncing teenage boy.
… that the Lord would be so faithful in stretching our income beyond what is actually possible, enabling us to provide for our expanded family.

… that despite our already stretched budget God would bless us so abundantly that we were able to buy a house 3 years ahead of schedule.

… that I would never once doubt or waver in my commitment to tithing … and then some.
… that Edward, who has resisted the idea of teleworking his job for years would finally give in to the concept and find that he loves it.

… that after pouring great effort into my blog for 3 years, posting 1 – 3 times a week, that I would let it collect dust for almost the whole year, posting only twice (this being the second).
… that there would be NO HOCKEY SEASON
… that after years of managing my Carpal Tunnel pain, that a brief encounter with a moving box would result in 2 months of unbearable pain, finally ending in the first of two surgeries (that I now wish I'd done years ago).
... that my oldest son, who had been committed to one career path for 5 or more years would suddenly change majors and would have to start the college search from scratch.

The list could probably go on and on which tells me it’s probably a wasted effort to try and predict the future. No matter how well you plan and no matter how much you think you know, God’s the only one who’s got a shot at penning that list. And as much as I’d love to rip His list open on January 2nd to see what this next year will hold, I know he’ll only let me see it one line at a time … and I’m okay with that.

“P” stands for ….

My husband and I are very clear Js (he is an ISFJ and I am an INTJ) and we have two sons that are both Ps (ISFP and ENTP). With two Js trying to raise two Ps, I’ll say it can get pretty interesting … and yes, interesting is French for frustrating. But, as an INTJ, I’m always up for a good challenge and constantly looking for a better way to do something so rather than being frustrated that the boys are not naturally compliant, obedient and submissive to parental authority (like my ISFJ husband was when growing up – yes, his mother would affirm that he was the perfect child) I redirect the frustration to myself that I have not figured out the right combination of communication techniques and motivations to incent my P children to develop their non-preferences (particularly the J behaviors) on their own and for their own benefit, not mine.

Earlier in the week, my husband and I had scheduled a day off from work to spend with the boys while they were on Spring Break and had bantered around several ideas of things to do, weather permitting. The night before our day off, he says to me “have you decided what we’re doing yet?” I respond, “hey, why don’t we put on our ‘P’ hats and just figure it out when we get there?” He responds “I don’t own a ‘P’ hat … well I do, but it stands for ‘Pittsburgh Pirates’ not ‘Procrastinating Perceiver’.”

Procrastinating Perceiver – yes Perceivers (Ps) can be known to procrastinate. We all can, regardless of type, but Ps have elevated procrastination to an art form or perhaps we’ll call it a “spiritual gift.” I also think it's important to distinguish between procrastination and laziness (my husband will often complain about the boys’ laziness and attribute it to their Type). Laziness is the desire to NOT DO the task at all and respond to that lack of desire through avoidance and a clear lack of ownership or accountability that it is their task to complete. With procrastination, there is a sense of ownership (I know I have to do this) and a recognition that it benefits them to complete it, but there is a misguided self-delusion that if they put the task off long enough it will get easier or (because Ps are options-focused) that a better task will come along that they could swap it out for with someone (or perhaps if I put it off long enough, the J-fairies will come by and do it while I’m sleeping).

Js are closure-focused. They draw satisfaction from completed-tasks, from checking the box. Ps do not draw satisfaction from checking the box, they don’t understand the box we’re checking, the words next to the box are in a foreign language. Ps are options-focused, so they will draw satisfaction from generating alternatives to the thing they know they must do, but don’t really want to do. Thus it plays out like procrastination because while they are generating alternatives to doing the thing they would rather not do, it’s still not getting done. My P-boys will put more time and energy into figuring out creative ways to not do something, that it would have actually taken to complete the task!

Unfortunately, because Ps are master procrastinators BUT will often produce their best work under the pressure of a looming deadline, that procrastinating behavior gets reinforced and rewarded by the great successes that were achieved at the last minute.

So … I haven’t figured out the magic formula to make Ps embrace J behaviors yet, but here are a few things that I have figured out. Ps don’t like to be given Js’ closure-focused conclusions (otherwise interpreted as orders – clean your room, do the dishes), they prefer to hear information (remember, options-focused) that lead them to draw their own conclusions and they like questions better than statements. So “clean your room” would roll off the J’s tongue as easily as breathing (and a J child might accept that and say “okay”), but what will resonate more with the P might be “So, what’s on your chore-list today?” or "Wow, this room's not at all what I expected. What do you think I'm noticing about it?" He'll rattle off things like clothes on floor, trash overflowing, etc. Then I'll say, "So what do you think I'm going to say next?" He'll say "that I should clean my room?" Me: "Bingo! You're so smart. I knew you didn't need me to figure that out. You always know how to make me happy."

It may not be perfect and (if you’re a J) you may be thinking I just wasted a lot of words and time to essentially say “clean your room” but think about the number of times you’ve said “clean your room” that fell of the deaf ears of your P-child. I’d argue we’ve spent/wasted the same amount of time/words and in the end, accomplished the same goal, but with questions/options approach, mom didn’t come off like a nagging harpy thereby building greater relationship skills between us.


Consider Colossians 3:21 - Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart (NAS); do not be hard on your children, so that their spirit may not be broken (BIBE); do not make your children resentful. Otherwise, they'll become discouraged (ISV). Good advice for all of us, really: fathers, mothers, teachers. And of course "above all, have fervent love for one another: for love shall cover the multitude of sins." - Peter 4.8

Personality Type & Family Relationships Seminar

MBTI Workshop Offered at Fair Oaks Church

At the end of a terrible day, you need a quiet evening with a book to shake it off, but your spouse needs an evening out with friends to unwind from a bad day. You need a check list to get things done, but your teenager needs the TV and the iPod going to get their homework finished. These simple differences can create havoc in the home if you don't understand them. The MBTI is a great tool for gaining insight into your spouse or... children to improve communication and understanding while reducing conflict.

2 million people a year take the MBTI, usually through their employer, to help them make constructive use of their differences and promote understanding and effective cooperation. Those same basic MBTI principles applied to couples and families can improve communication and interpersonal relationships, promoting positive attitudes towards different styles, and facilitate understanding, appreciation and respect between husband and wife and parents and children.

I have been working with the MBTI for years as a business and coaching tool, but in the summer of 2010, I was privileged to have the opportunity to bring the MBTI concept together with personal-life applications in a marriage and parenting workshop at Fair Oaks Church (see dails here).

It was a great joy to be able to share the tool with other married couples and parents and have already seen fruits of success from the MBTI seeds planted during that workshop!

This relationships workshop is being offered again at Fair Oaks Church on Saturday, March 5, 2011 from 8:00am to 12:15pm - free of charge, child care included! If you think you may be interested, you can sign up at LoudOnPurpose.com or click here: https://spreadsheets.google.com/a/loudonpurpose.com/viewform?hl=en&ndplr=1&formkey=dG5WYy11QlBGOUlyNzhtZGlIV0YtWmc6MQ#gid=0.

To participate in the workshop, you will need to complete the MBTI questionnaire in advance. Stop by the Chapel on February 27th before, between or after services - it will only take you 15 to 20 minutes. If you are unable to take the questionnaire on the 27th, please contact me to see if we can arrange another time.

If you are going to need child care, please make sure you register here so we can plan for enough child care providers.

For more information on the MBTI, visit the Myers-Briggs (MBTI) Resource Central.

Personality Type & Family Relationships

A New MBTI Workshop Offered at Fair Oaks Church

At the end of a terrible day, you need a quiet evening with a book to shake it off, but your spouse needs an evening out with friends to unwind from a bad day. You need a check list to get things done, but your teenager needs the TV and the iPod going to get their homework finished. These simple differences can create havoc in the home if you don't understand them. The MBTI is a great tool for gaining insight into your spouse or... children to improve communication and understanding while reducing conflict.

2 million people a year take the MBTI, usually through their employer, to help them make constructive use of their differences and promote understanding and effective cooperation. Those same basic MBTI principles applied to couples and families can improve communication and interpersonal relationships, promoting positive attitudes towards different styles, and facilitate understanding, appreciation and respect between husband and wife and parents and children.

In the summer of 2010, I was privileged to have the opportunity to bring these concepts together in a marriage and parenting workshop at Fair Oaks Church (see dails here). I have been working with the MBTI for years as a business and coaching tool, but have been a great beneficiary of its application in my family life.

It was a great joy to be able to share the tool with other married couples and parents and have already seen fruits of success from the MBTI seeds planted during that workshop!

This workshop will be offered again at Fair Oaks Church in the Fall of 2010. If you think you may be interested, you can keep your eye out for it by signing up for Fair Oaks Church's E-Newsletter at http://www.loudonpurpose.com/.

I had the honor of discussing this topic on the air with Pastor Stokes while he was sitting in as guest host for the Don Kroah show on WAVA 105.1 FM. Listen here: Radio Interview

For more information on the MBTI, visit the Myers-Briggs (MBTI) Resource Central.

Type in Marriage and Family

Personality Type & Family Relationships

"And above all, have fervent love for one another: for love shall cover the multitude of sins." - Peter 4.8

When you and your spouse know your own types AND know each other’s types, it can help you with understanding your spouse better, appreciating your spouse’s differences and unique contribution to the marriage, recognizing the reasons for conflict or difficulty which enables two-way discussions that achieve healthier resolutions, and recognizing your spouse’s needs from the marriage which will enable you to work together in a way that both of your needs are met.

Although the materials in this website are focused on the relationships between husband and wife and parent and child, the “family” that you will have relationships with, communicate with, have expectations of, are so much more than your spouse and your children.

Everyone has the overly competitive brother who gets you bickering like a 12-year-old every time he visits or the mother-in-law that knows how to push your buttons (even through the phone) or the uncle who doesn’t communicate with the family for months at a time and just shows up on your doorstep for a surprise visit and stirs everyone up.

You may never know what their 4-letter Type is, but the more you know about your own, the more you’ll be able to deduce about theirs, and the more you will be able to recognize patterns of behavior which you will see through a different lens (the MBTI lens) and be more understanding or tolerant of.

For more information on the MBTI, visit the Myers-Briggs (MBTI) Resource Central.

Moms and Dads Working Together

Personality Type & Family Relationships

When Mom and Dad both know and understand their Type, it can be a great benefit to the co-parenting team. When parents have different preferences, children get the opportunity to experience a balance and variety of styles from Mom and Dad. This can help the child feel freer to explore and express their own type preferences when they can connect with one parent or the other in different areas of their Type.

When parents’ have many preferences in common with each other, it’s easier to establish a home environment that well-defined and consistent. If the children also share those preferences, they will feel in sync with Mom and Dad, but children with opposite preferences may feel disconnected from the family and a bit like an outsider.

Parents with similar Types can be great at creating a unified front with the kids, but it can also leave them a bit short-handed and perhaps resentful when they need a rescue from their own blind spots and their partner is struggling in the same area.

When parents have mostly different Type preferences, they have a great advantage in being able to call on their partner’s differences when they aren’t syncing with a particular child in an area. If a child of opposite preferences are exhausting one parent, the other parent can provide relief for their partner who might be energized by that same behavior.

Parents with different Types can complement each other’s weaknesses nicely but those same differences can also be a source of conflict and they should be cautious of letting children sense that conflict and misinterpret a preference they share with one parent or the other as bad.

For more information on the MBTI, visit the Myers-Briggs (MBTI) Resource Central.